Who am I?

Have you ever searched your own name on Google? I did it today. It was interesting. In the second "hit" I found that I am referred to as the former Director of ADRA Norway at ADRA International's website. Which is interesting because I will have the Director position for yet another year.

It is no big deal, and I am sure that they will eventually change it.

The bigger question is: Who am I? Am I the person that is reflected on facebook or LinkedIn - or my own blog? Am I the mother, wife, teacher or director? Or a combination of all of these roles? Do I have a core, or am I what I do? Am I Yellow?

In many ways I am a complete failure. I could make a list from here to the moon and back again of all the mistakes I have done (intentionally and unintentionally). But is that more ME than the (hopefully) nicer parts of my personality and character?

I can't really tell. What I have found is that certain things about one self gets more clarity as years pass by. In a way I become more mature and more childish, when realizing more of who I am. I can relax more, and worry less. However, this is not primarily because of who I am per se, but because of those people around me; those people who love me for who I am, or maybe despite of who I am. And of course, I can rest in peace because God loves me, for who I am, AND despite of who I am.

A beautiful song that further reflects on the big question, is Who am I.

Inclusion

I am sitting here in our empty house, enjoying the solitude. For a few minutes I can just relax and think of my own needs and wants only. Ahhh...

I need it, the time alone, the space and the room for reflection.

What I don't need is to stay here for too long, and get stuck in my own comfort zone.

When we passed that vehicle (see picture) on our way to Jomboc Hoas in Cambodia, we all had a seat each (I can't lie and say we were comfortably seated - even if that would make a better point for this blog).

I don't know anyone - and definitely not me - who enjoy being excluded and left behind. I therefore challenge myself to be flexible (and brave) enough to let people close. There should always be space for another person - nobody needs to stay behind because we can't give up a little of our own space in order to include one more.

Old and new friends

When I was in junior high, and later when I attended high school I got some very good friends. I don't keep in thouch with a single one of them on a regular basis. However, when we meet, there is a bonding that has not changed. In a way we can continue where we last ended out conversation - last year, or some twenty years ago.

I have got many friends since then, but I have developed very few intimate friendships since my early twenties. But those few that I have developed, have become more and more important.

Studies has shown that one out of three people above 66 years old (in Norway) say that they don't have one single close friend. It is sad.

I hope I can always have a few close friends with whom I can continue to share happiness and sorrow... I have realised that I need it.

Newport Beach and memories

It was 4th of July, and my cousin and I decided to visit Newport Beach. We were driving a BMW cabriolet, and we owned the world. Then of course, it is slightly embarrassing to (almost) run out of Gas!

It was a crazy day, as the entire region wanted to spend the day at the beach. So the parking guards took advantage of the situation and charged us USD 50 to park! With the car safe, we rented bicycles and toured the beach. Wonderful!

At night we drove to Redlands, and got the most magnificent firework show one can imagining. What a day!

Since I was so sad yesterday, I have to think of good memories like the 4th of July with my cousin. And it helps. Or at least I can smile through the tears. What an incredibly asset it is to have good memories. It even helps me look forward with hope and optimism. Thanks to my cousin and other friends who have shared some special moments with me, and created good memories!

My baby

Tonight I feel sad. Very sad.
But at least I can be glad that I am not sad very often.

(I include a picture of one of my indian twins. The thought of them also makes me sad, because one of them died and the other one is having some health issues.)

Annoying genes

My daughter, Frida, is now 15 1/2 years old. In the picture she is 14, eating an ice-cream in Sacramento.

When I was her age, I also loved ice-cream. Sometimes I would be so desperate that I would eat ice-cream with my bare fingers, directly from its box in the freezer. If I went downstairs with a spoon, my mom would get too suspicious. For a while I also had a spoon hidden near the freezer. My mom wasn't particularly happy when we had guests and she took the ice-cream out of the freezer and found that it was near empty, and with marks of fingers in it...

Frida has never done the same (yet), but I notice that she becomes more and more like her mom (even in areas that she could not possible copy because I have changed since I was her age). I am not going to expose her here, but I know that she has also noticed that we are becoming more alike. I don't know who of us that is most scared and annoyed by noticing the influence of my genes :)

And even if there are similarities, we are also different in many ways. Frida is growing into a young woman with her own opinions, her own experiences and her own choices. I am very proud of her!

A dream comes true

My life has been rather intense. Sometimes it has been so much excitement that all I could wish for was some peace and quiet. So when the phone rings and a marketing person for a lottery starts by saying: - We all dream about travelling to some exotic place. Don't we, Pia? My response is: - Nope, not me!

After one such phone call, I think it was in 2005, I started to reflect: - Am I without dreams? There must be something I would like to do, some place I would like to go to?

At first I couldn't think of anything, anywhere. But then it struck me: I want to swim with dolphins!

So I nurtured that dream for some years. At one point I almost arranged to go to the Dominican Republic to swim with Dolphins there. I started to dream about it at night. It became a real dream!

But then, one day I realized that my son needed the dream more than I did: So I shared the dream with him and I started nurturing his dream of going somewhere and swim with Dolphins. We almost managed to realize the dream in January 2008, when we went to California for three weeks. In the end it didn't work out.

But I was determined not to give up: So on April 20th the same year, Filip finally got into the water with Dolphins at SeaWorld outside of San Diego. It was a great day. And strangely enough, even if I wasn't even near the water, it felt like a dream came true.

A cursed Angkor Wat?

One of my acquaintances never visits Angkor Wat. He says the place is cursed. Despite this, I have visited the place three or four times, and I haven't notice anything indicating that the place is cursed. But does that prove that the place is not cursed?

Today, Märtha Louise was interviewed in Dagbladet (Norwegian Newspaper). She talked about her book, and how to get in contact with one's angel. I don't know much about her work, but I guess her world view and my world view differs quite a bit. Still, I think she is very right about one point: There is more between heaven and earth than what we can immediately observe and count.

I find it very fascinating to study how the Bible explains the "beyond"; including the fight between good and evil. I am grateful that there is a Power, God, who knows everything and is strong and wise and someone to trust. To me it therefore makes perfectly sense that God sends angels to protect us - and sometimes just friends or another human being.

While recognizing that some things are invisible to me, and still exists, I stay in the visible world, touching visible people, smiling visible smiles (hopefully :)). I want to comfort real hunger and real thirst, break real chains, - and in a way one can say that I have contact with the invisible and intangible by relating to love, connection, justice (and hate, isolation and injustice) etc. But my only real contact with the invisible world is by direct communication with God when praying.

(Today's picture is of me at another of the temples nearby Angkor Wat.)

I need wisdom!

I have always claimed that one can learn so much by teaching, and I have not changed my mind on that point. By listening to the various statements my students are making, I learn new things, I learn to see new perspectives, get new info…

But most importantly I understand more about people. Today, for instance I had a test with some of the students, and one of the answers was indirectly a testimony of a life. I feel honored and humble. And it makes me realize (once more) what an incredibly important job it is to be a teacher.

If I mess things up, some of the students may suffer for life. If I can share love, compassion and generosity, and help them reach their potential, some students may get a life.

Oh, Lord, I definitely need some wisdom…

(This time I include a picture of two of my favorite “students” in Cambodia.)

Remembering names II

I am embarrassed. To put it mildly! Here is the thing:

Two weeks ago all the teachers at our school were informed through the intranet that the school would be receiving some students from Sweden and Finland in the coming week. So we were all warned: in fact we were encouraged to welcome our visitors in a special way, and make them feel at home.

Tuesday, my students returned to class after a week in Rome (most of them had been there on a school trip). In class I noticed that one of the students had got a haircut. But I could not remember her name! I felt so ashamed, since I had made such an effort to actually know all the names. But I just couldn’t find out the name of the girl!

Only half way through the session I realized: The girl was one of the visitors from Finland, and wasn’t one of my regular students!

To further make a fool out of myself, when two other students showed up for my next class it took me almost a minute to figure out that these were Swedish visitors!

So, if anyone was in doubt about my lack of ability to recognize faces and names, this should be another sad proof.

(The picture is from Cambodia - just some beautiful faces of children I can't remember the name of...)

A haircut, please!

I think it started in Calcutta ten years ago. My parents were travelling with me in India, Nepal and Bangladesh, in order to look after the kids when I had to be in meetings or do office work.

My father desperately needed a haircut. So he walked the streets of Calcutta and found a barber shop, and went in there. The haircut costed him 25 cent.

Since then it has been some kind of tradition to get a haircut different places in the world: Bagua Grande (Peru) (picture), Siem Reap (Cambodia)...

In Siem Reap my dad just closed his eyes and hoped for the best, and my mom did definitely not approve of his very short hair when she saw him afterwards. Just then a stranger walked up to her and said: "Your husband is very handsome!" My mom just pretended not to have heard the comment, but the woman just repeated it, this time louder.

Anyway, I think it is kind of cool that he gets all these hair cuts.

An affair of the heart

When I visited the US for the first time, I had already visited around 40 other countiers in the world. I had visited Bangladesh 13 times (but of course only counting Bangladesh once on the list of 40). The US hadn't been on my route before, and I had no real desire to go there either.

December 2003 was the first time I entered Northern American soil, and I have visited several times since then. I must admit, that the country fascinates me; the history, culture and the people.

There are definitely things I find very strange, like the easy access to weapon (my students saw "Bowling for Columbine" today). One of the reasons Norway, despite the cold, scores highest on my list, is that the kids can play outside, walk over to friends alone, doors don't need to be locked and we feel safe. Without weapons!

Another thing I find weird is that they seem to watch all kind of violence in video and movies, but freak out if a small child is naked on the beach! For some strange reason there seems to be a fear of nakedness.

I notice that the above is a kind of stereotyping, but please take it just as an observation, not an "All Americans are..." statement.

But besides the cultural differences (like the ones mentioned above), the country fascinates me. It is a country that reveals more and more of itself every time I visit. And it is a place worth going back to. I believe I have fallen in love with the place...

Bluegrass and BBQ

Have you ever tasted Granny Smith covered in thick, sticky caramel? All of a sudden I get this strong urge for it, and then after two bites I wonder why. Oak Glen in California is one such “apple-in-caramel” place. And if I want to pick my own apples, I can just visit Los Rios Rancho.

The place has ambiance! We have visited on Cowboy Chuckwagon BBQ and Show, we have attended Gospel Worship on Friday night, been for walks on the trails around the farm (there are mountain lions there!), had picnic twice - and not the least on Bluegrass concert.

Bluegrass! I didn’t even know the word before the concert (sorry), but it was all pure joy and nostalgia (even if it didn’t really remind me of childhood). The O’Brien Family Band and some local bands were singing and performing. It was a lovely afternoon at the farm.

Apparently Los Rios Rancho arranges concerts like this from time to time. Being on the other side of the world, I can only envy my friends who live in the area. I hope they take advantage of it!

Cabbages & Condoms

Having worked on HIV/AIDS issues for years, it was a natural choice to stay overnight at the Cabbages & Condoms Resort outside Chiang Rai, Northern Thailand. The place has posters and signs all over about safe sex and protection. For instance do they guarantee that you won't get pregnant from their food :)

The standard is very basic and I have been freezing each of the three times I have visited. But still, the place has its charm.

And though it might be a safe place in some respect, it can still be quite scary for some: A friend of mine was settling into his room when he started looking at the decoration on the wall. It was a huge gecko. Interesting decor. But then it started to move up his wall, and found a place under the roof or somewhere.

He still remembers that moment, and in fact, I think all the people I have brought there go away with some special memory.

Last words on this: ADRA has been running a very successful HIV/AIDS program in the area. We had to scale it down due to funding constraints. But we will bring with us the experiences made, and continue the good work.

Tolerating the intolerant

”I can’t stand those who are intolerant”. (In Norwegian: ”Jeg kan’ke fordra trynet på de som er intolerante.”) Why is it that it feels justified to dislike some people?

I will never approve of intolerance, but am I able to be generous towards people who seem unreasonable and condemning of others? I don’t want to adopt their approach to life – I want to see beyond their insecurity, anger or maybe self-righteousness (often combined with ignorance).

This is just a reflection. I need to think of it some more – what it implies in real life…

(The picture was a good illustration to my first draft of today's blog, but as it turned out it has nothing to do with anything - except maybe for recognising our diversity. It was taken in Khao Lac, Thailand.)

After the tsunami(s)

I have never cried as much during an interview (me being the interviewer) as I did when interviewing a woman in Khao Lac, Thailand after the Tsunami. This was her story:

- We had a restaurant next to our house down on the beach. That morning, the morning of the tsunami, I had to go to the market to buy some ingredients. Both my kids wanted to come along with me, but I decided that only my daughter should come along. My boy, ten years old, cried and wanted to go with me, but I said NO. I lost my son, my husband and sister that morning. Being at the market when the tsunami hit, I run to higher ground in the forest. Many people where there and I started to look around for my family. In addition to my son and husband, I could not find my father. That night I dreamed about him - I could see his face, he was also dead.

- I cannot look back, I have to move on with my life. With the help of ADRA I have been able to start a little business again, and have a bit of earning. I can never get my family back, but I am incredibly grateful to ADRA for giving me a possibility to build up a life with those left in my family.

(One of the skills taught was batik. In the picture my father learns how to make batik too. He did well.)

Last week another tsunami struck. In Samoa ADRA is there to help the victims. Please see the video.

Tearing down the walls

When I went to TVS boarding school, we had groups called "sunshine groups". These groups had one mission: To share joy and encouragement. Once one of these groups sang in the local prison - but the choice of song wasn't the best. The second verse of the song starts with: "Oh, still there are walls between us, we can only reach each other through the bars..."

When I am to describe some of the best moments in life, it will be times when I connect with people, bond, and I feel safe. The personal walls around people may prevent that from happening; and I should know, because I have some invisible walls that very few get past.

I have reflected on what tears down the walls, and here is a list of some factors I think are important for me: Feeling loved and accepted, feeling protected, feeling genuine interest, not afraid that the other will get angry at me or disappointed in me.

How do I know for sure that the other person can and will be all of that when my walls are up? I have to give up protecting myself, and have the courage to be vulnerable. I am not sure I can be that brave - but I will continue to practise trust.

(photo credit: Frank Spangler)

The smell of confidence

I used to be scared of dogs. Walking door-to-door for ingathering of funds for ADRA used to be a nightmare, always afraid that there would be a dog attacking from behind a bush or as the door was opened.

Getting Mac changed all of that; that tiny little thing has helped me overcome my fear of dogs! And the dogs smell it! When I last visited Peru, I could walk freely among the "wild dogs" in the slums outside of Lima, and I knew that the dogs I met would do me nothing.

A friend of mine is not that fortunate: She is terrified whenever she meets a dog, and she is the one being attacked.

So today's blog is a "thank you" to our tea-cup (a very big tea-cup) dog Mac! Thanks for giving me confidence to meet the world!

Java Café and Gallery

My favorite café is in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. The place has ambiance, and the food is just the way I want it; including chicken salad with extra chicken and vinegar. I have spent some really good time there with friends, both for breakfast and lunch.

Imagine a quiet morning in Phnom Penh. The Mekong River is stunningly beautiful in the mist. A few blocks away some sleepy foreigners get their morning coffee while others prefer a fresh orange juice. Even if the traffic picks up, at the table there is no rush. Ahhhh...

Also the tuk-tuk drive from the guest house to Java often turn out to be an experience. I guess my lack of Khmer skills - and the tuk-tuk drivers’ lack of English skills - may contribute to that. More than once I have  quietly prayed that I will end up at Java and not as dead meat in a back street.

I hope to get back to Java some day. For now being a "friend" with Java Café on facebook will have to do.

Looking for fun

I am Yellow! It took me a while to admit it. In fact I took the test several times, because I couldn’t believe it to be true. It was my wonderful Blue cousin who first told me about the Hartman Personality Profile and test  – and said it seems to be quite accurate in its assessment of personalities.

My cousin and I were enjoying a day at Glen Ivy Spa, California, when she told me how insightful and in fact useful the test and profile had been to her. She explained about four core motivations, referred to by colors in the Hartman test. It sounded very interesting so I decided that I would find out more about it later. But then I forgot about it. Until I got stuck in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, for a few days (I have forgotten why I was stuck there). My colleagues there had just bought the book “The People Code” by Dr. Hartman, and now I got a chance to read it. I read it twice! And I felt I learned a lot about myself – stuff I had tried to suppress. And I started to understand why communication with some people seems easy and others so difficult.

The worst thing for me to accept was that I am motivated by FUN. Well, I know that am embracing life, live in the present tense and love playful interaction. But I want to be motivated by peace or intimacy or responsibility – not fun. It sounds… irresponsible and shallow.

But I am starting to accept it and that in fact creates new energy. And I see more clearly both the positive and negative sides of it. To quote a bit from the report from the test: “While Yellows are carefree, they are sensitive and highly alert to other’s agendas to control them. Yellows typically carry within themselves the gift of a good heart …  Easily distracted, they can never sit still for long. Yellows are charismatic, spontaneous and positive, but can also be irresponsible, obnoxious and forgetful.”

From here, I definitely need to develop my character. But while doing that, I will also be looking for fun and enjoy life.

My photographer

Frank Spangler is a photographer – and he is a very good one. Most importantly, he shares ADRAs compassion for the oppressed and discriminated ones. The combination is a blessing to ADRA Norway.

Since 2005 we have had the privilege to bring Frank along on trips exposing him to the work we are involved in. The result is thousands of still photos and several videos, which we use in our development education programs in Norway, on our web site (http://www.adranorge.no/) and in fundraising.

We have visited Peru, Ethiopia, Thailand and Cambodia together. And Frank has also visited our projects in Yemen and Burma. Knowing that “a picture says more than a thousand words” we have a unique treasure of testimonies of people’s lives and what ADRA is doing - from the work of Frank. Some of the pictures can be seen on http://www.panopro.com/ or http://www.worldviewimages.com/ , and his blog can be read on http://www.untotheleast.com/ .

Thank you, Frank, for being a marvelous photographer and friend!

Overwhelmed

My home-office is a mess. I have been trying to tidy it for several hours today, and still it is so much left to sort out, organize, and throw away. I can feel this sneaky feeling of being overwhelmed...

I am so behind with work; there is an application deadline today, I need to prepare for some lectures at the High school, and for a seminar the week after, and this coming Sabbath I am responsible for the sermon in Skien SDA church. I feel overwhelmed...

And all this is so insignificant. Far more important is what is happening outside my safe little world: The news this week is devastating. Tsunami, storms and earthquakes! A boat sinking. People are dying and suffering. This really gives reason to feel overwhelmed....

And still, in the midst of this overwhelmed state – along with the sadness, I feel joy, knowing that I have been able to tidy up some of the mess, I have been able to do part of my work – and far more important, I know that I am a little part in a puzzle working with ADRA that makes it possible to bring comfort to some of the individuals that are suffering. As little as my contribution may be, I am so glad to be part of a group of people who gives opportunities for people to get out of misery.

Watch a film that gives me hope!